Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
