Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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