this boner is exhausting
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
