two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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