i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
