He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My feet surprised me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
