i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
