you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
