I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
