someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
