you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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