Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
