If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
