It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
