I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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