Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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