why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
