She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Im just a social blackout drinker.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
