first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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