it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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