I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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