Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
