Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
