Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
