??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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