I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
