I met the friendliest cop last night
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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