the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
