The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
someone threw a dead crab at me
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
