i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
