legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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