Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
