Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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