Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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