I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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