i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
