Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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