I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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