my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
