Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
