that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
