Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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