RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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