NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
