420 ftw
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
