I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
