Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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