i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
