yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
