Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
