She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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