i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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