Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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