is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
