the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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